Hi. I am 45 years old. In a couple of days I will be 46. For the last forty years or so, I have suffered the pain of trauma and its aftermath. I would like to deal with the pain (which I accept I may have to live with forever), but I am done suffering now.
There are no quick fixes for the disease that is childhood trauma. Nothing can easily repair the fractured sense of self I have as a result of abandonment by my father and emotional abuse by my mother. I have found many coping strategies to mask the symptoms, reduce their impact, and people who know me would say that I basically have my shit together. I am self aware, kind (though not necessarily always to myself), successful in my career (hi, perfectionist!), fit and healthy and I have quite a few people who really love me. I broke the cycle of dysfunction well enough to raise two children who, whilst they have their own battles, basically have their shit together too.
What does happen, though, on a daily basis, is that a war wages in my head. That’s what I need to dial down, before it eats my poor brain so much it will not function.
I would like to find ways of turning down the volume on my inner critic (I’m even telling myself off for not seeking therapy earlier when I have been a bit busy keeping life together for my children as a single parent for ten years). I would like to find ways of reducing the impact of a flashback (some last seconds, some last MONTHS) and mostly I would like to feel good enough. Move away from the perfectionist and gently nurture the desperately sad child in me so that I can get on and enjoy a regular, good enough life.
I could write this in a journal, but if I put it out there, there’s a chance it might help someone else. And there’s a chance I will get brave enough to let people in so they can cheer me on too. Life is better shared, eh.
How the light gets in 