Dearest little L,
It is not okay that your father left just before you turned four and will refuse to ever explain what happened.
It is not okay that your mother bit you till you bled to teach you not to bite your brother when you were not even school age.
It is not okay that you were held responsible for begging her to have medical treatment that would save her life. The fact the she refused medical support after that meant that she suffered many years and blamed you. That was NOT YOUR FAULT.
It is not okay that you are not allowed to express your feelings. It is not okay that you are mentally, verbally and emotionally abused when you take a stand to say that something is unfair.
It is not okay to be forbidden to go to university. It is not normal for a parent to refuse to sign the paperwork that will mean you can get funding to go.
It is not normal to be repeatedly called selfish and lazy when you couldn’t do any more to help than you do. Believe me, Little L, if your grown up children did ten percent of what you did around the house, I’d be grateful.
It is not normal to have to walk three miles along roads with no paths to school because there is no bus and no one can be bothered to take you.
It is not normal to be dragged out of the home by your hair because you ask to go to the cinema with your friends.
It is not normal for a man to refuse to talk to his daughter for a year because she is driving 200 miles and running half an hour late for dinner.
It IS, however, normal, to feel angry about this. It is normal to call people out who treat you this badly. It is normal to not want people like that in your life. You have nothing to feel ashamed of if you say no to this kind of behaviour.
I am doing this for you now. I am saying to you that whilst you have no choice but to stay put as a child, you will have choices as an adult. You CAN protect your heart from abuse. It will take you many, many years to even begin to feel that you are worth enough to do that but you will get there. You will learn more lessons on the way. Some of them will hurt like hell and you will feel like you will never heal but you will. I promise you that you will. I promise you that I will not abandon you. I will cherish and comfort you when you cry. I will see you, really see you, on your bad days and love you anyway.
I can tell you that you are as precious as any wished for child. I can tell you that even though your parents considered you at best a possession and at worst an inconvenience and the most selfish person they ever met, you are NONE OF THOSE THINGS. You do not have to prove your worth to anyone. Just as a flower just IS beautiful, so are you.
Little L, you are a good friend. You will do anything to help others. You have a lovely smile and you can make people laugh. You will one day be a brilliant, compassionate teacher and have children of your own. You will break the cycle of abuse and always be a safe haven for them. You must also learn how to be a safe haven for yourself.
One day, I hope you learn that all the love you never received is in you. You don’t need to find it in others, you just need to keep throwing it out into the world. It will find its way back to you.
How the light gets in 